Friday, December 30, 2011

Couch Surfing

I am a small, small person. Almost a year ago, we (read: my husband) loaned a friend of ours (read: mostly his and mine only by default despite my efforts to expand the relationship) over $1500. She promised she would repay us by the end of the year. Well, the end of the year is here and not a cent has been repaid. She has "no money." Where is she now? At the beach. On vacation. Posting gorgeous photos of the ocean and the beachline while we sit in dark, dreary wintery WV.

I find myself feeling envyish. And angry. I would like to be sitting on a warm sunny beach right now, instead of on the sofa with my laptop watching "Back to the Future." But mostly, I feel envy. And I do not like that in myself. It is very unlike me. So on top of feeling angry and envyish, I now feel guilty as well. Thanks a lot, "friend."

Thursday, December 29, 2011


You can't seem to share things with me. I don't mean food, etc., I mean experiences. You send me links to the music you're listening to, and I stop and listen to them and reply to you what I think. So I send you links. You ignore my links and continue listening to your songs and sending more links. What's with that?!?

The one thing that upsets me most is we don't seem to connect. I am desperate to share with you. I find things that interest me and I try to tell you about them, or share them with you. You tell me you're not interested in those things. In other words, you're not interested in me. That's the only conclusion I can draw. You don't find me interesting any more.

You isolate me. You keep me at arm's length, and then wonder why I don't feel intimate. Figure it out.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Love Hurts

I sometimes wonder how much pain one person can survive. I guess it's way more than I realize. Or want to.

I can't even go into details; I'm just too drained. Why does Love have to hurt so much?!?


I am so incredibly lonely. I hate the distance between us. I try repeatedly to connect with you, and my efforts fall flat. Repeatedly. You always ask for examples, and I can never think of one. So I'll write one down and maybe I will remember it when you ask.

Yesterday, I found that BBC video about Christ and Buddhism. It was so fascinating to me, and I wanted to share it with you. Eventually, you said you already knew all that, that you learned it at UT years ago. This, without watching the video, mind you. I urged that there was so much more to the video, but you let that fall flat. Obviously, you had no intention of watching it. So I asked you, if you knew such a thing already, why didn't you ever mention it to me? Didn't you find it interesting enough to share something so profound with me? You replied "Do you know how much I have going on in my head at all times?!?!!"

Well, I have a lot going on in my head at all times, too. And yet, when I learn something interesting, my first instinct is to share it with you, my lover, my partner, the one I have chosen to share my life with.

You, on the other hand, seem to keep as much of your life away from me as you can. You make your phone calls in the car or outside ("I get better reception there"), yet you talk plenty when someone calls you and you're sitting on the couch. You can talk with A. for an hour about all sorts of topics, but if I bring something up, you sit and gawk at me silently, or at the most, grunt. No "Why do you feel that way?" or "Yes, I knew that. What do you think about that?" or "I think x about that, and this is why." You treat me like I'm stupid and uninteresting.

And I feel sad about it.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Men Are Assholes

Since nobody reads this blog anyway, I decided today to use it to vent my frustrations. Who knows? Maybe someday it'll be amusing to look back on from prison after I've been convicted of murder. J/K

Mr. Chandler spent the entire day watching episode after episode of "Band of Brothers." Now, I'm not picky; I can handle a few hours of mindnumbing, uninteresting television shows. I'm open to the fact we are two different people with two diverse sets of interests. But after the sixth hour, you'd think he would consider my feelings and change the station. Oh wait, he did. He put on the Saints football game.

But let me watch one freaking episode of "Millionaire Matchmaker," and he stomps up the steps with "I'm taking a nap." Then he pouts the rest of the day, and makes snarky remarks about it for weeks afterward.

Then there's Christmas Day, a day when it's traditional to eat all kinds of goodies. I baked all day Christmas Eve, and laid out ham slices and rolls, etc., to snack on throughout the festivities. He has the nerve to say to me "I wish you'd lose some weight." Yeah? I wish you'd think about what the hell you say to me, when you say it, and how you say it. Could you pick a worse day? Maybe my birthday?

On another, similar "men are insensitive assholes" note: My brother, who lives across the United States about as far as you can get from here, called me this evening. During our conversation, in which I told him about a long drive I made yesterday including passing the former site of a landmark we had both admired as children -- I tell him it's no longer there, and he immediately corrects me, saying "Oh yes, it is. I saw it a couple of years ago when I was in town. It's just different now." Right. God knows nothing could change in two years, bro. I mean, I *was* just there yesterday. But what the hell do I know? I'm only a lowly female.

If I Tweeted, I'd tweet #menareassholes.