I've been busier than a one-armed paper hanger this past week. The Muse has been generous. Here are just a few new designs (NOTE: The mousepad designs are also available on T-shirts:
Monday, December 11, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Have ya been missing me? I'm back.. sorta
I started writing a teensy bit again. My inspiration? Requests for my work by editors of two upcoming anthologies! Warmed the cockles of my Muse's heart.
Thought I'd plug a fellow Zazzler. Zs Tees is a talented nutcase from out in New Mexico. If you're a Clara Chandler fan, you'll love this guy's stuff. Give him two minutes of your time; worthy investment with a payoff of laughter.
Z's Tees.
Genre: Zany humor with a Southwestern flavor
(Richard Cooper, I'm thinking of YOU!)
You know the drill: When you get there, tell 'em Clara sent ya(TM)
Thought I'd plug a fellow Zazzler. Zs Tees is a talented nutcase from out in New Mexico. If you're a Clara Chandler fan, you'll love this guy's stuff. Give him two minutes of your time; worthy investment with a payoff of laughter.
Z's Tees.
Genre: Zany humor with a Southwestern flavor
(Richard Cooper, I'm thinking of YOU!)
You know the drill: When you get there, tell 'em Clara sent ya(TM)
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
No Girl Left Behind
Blessings to each of you for Thanksgiving from my family to yours.
And a plug (forgive me). For one day only, Thanksgiving, Zazzle is offering a sheet of twenty of these stamps for $9.99 with FREE SHIPPING. Please consider getting a sheet or two and helping to promote my concept.
And a plug (forgive me). For one day only, Thanksgiving, Zazzle is offering a sheet of twenty of these stamps for $9.99 with FREE SHIPPING. Please consider getting a sheet or two and helping to promote my concept.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Mama's Boy by Fran Friel Almost Sold Out in PREORDER!!
I received the following MySpace bulletin from Mama's Boy publisher. Exciting news indeed! Better order your copy right now. This volume has huge potential to become a collector's item. Limited run, first in a series, signed by all contributors (including James Newman, who wrote the intro), high quality product (perfect bound with glossy covers, French parchment end papers and linen signature sheets).~~CC
From: Insidious Publications
Date: Aug 7, 2006 6:16 PM
Mama's Boy is over half sold out! This book is flying off the proverbial shelves. If you want to get ahold of our first limited edition book, now is the time to purchase. At this rate it'll be sold out before publication!
Just a little friendly nudge from your neighborhood Insidious Leader.
Click the image below to order your copy while you still can!
-Paul
Senior Editor
Insidious Publications
Insidious Reflections
From: Insidious Publications
Date: Aug 7, 2006 6:16 PM
Mama's Boy is over half sold out! This book is flying off the proverbial shelves. If you want to get ahold of our first limited edition book, now is the time to purchase. At this rate it'll be sold out before publication!
Just a little friendly nudge from your neighborhood Insidious Leader.
Click the image below to order your copy while you still can!
-Paul
Senior Editor
Insidious Publications
Insidious Reflections
Monday, August 07, 2006
Middle School is No Way to Treat A Teacher
Being a teacher is hard work. Teaching middle school must be the hardest of all! I created this T-shirt in honor of middle school teachers everywhere. Available in a variety of colors and styles. ~~CC
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Mama's Boy by Fran Friel
Click on the book cover to pre-order a copy of Fran Friel's debut novella, Mama's Boy."A fun, old school psych ward confessional full of blood and betrayal where you can't tell who are the inmates and who are the keepers."
--Tom Piccirilli, Bram Stoker Award winning author of Headstone City and November Mourns
This book is a gem, folks! Grab yours before the limited 100-copy run is exhausted. ~~CC
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Here's Looking At You, Kid!
Whether you're a Casa Blanca, Humphrey Bogart, or goat fan -- this shirt is for you! You choose the style and color -- multiple styles including sweatshirts and infantwear are available. ~~Clara Chandler
Friday, July 28, 2006
Breast Cancer Isn't For Sissies!
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1999. The symbol for breast cancer awareness may be a pale pink ribbon, but I'm here to tell you it isn't for sissies! Support someone you love who's dealing with breast cancer treatment, and acknowledge their courage and strength with this T-shirt.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Which drug suits my personality?
(I really thought I'd be pot, but I took the darned quiz three times and finally gave up. I was variously heroin, alcohol, and cocaine. Guess it's a good thing I don't use any of those substances! ~~CC)
| Your Personality Is Like Cocaine |
 You're dynamic, brilliant, and alluring to those who don't know you. Hyper and full of energy, you're usually the last one to leave a party. Sometimes your sharp mind gets the better of you... you're a bit paranoid! |
Friday, July 07, 2006
It will come back to you in your dreams...
The Horror Library Anthology Volume I
...runs the entire spectrum of dark fiction...embraces the genre, paying diligence to the traditional spine tingler, the supernatural, the haunted, the dark satire and the gritty modern thriller. Thirty dark tales, each by a different story teller.
Customer Reviews:
.... truly fresh meat for the horror fan. In ten years time some of the writers whose work appears here will be known as masters of the genre, so shrink wrap your copy and remember, I told you so!
...the first anthology from R.J. Cavendar and Cutting Block Press...[is] a great first run...look forward to volume II
...the stories are creepy and scary just like you'd expect. There's also a touch of black humor in several pieces...
...a good introduction to all the various types of horror available from [sic]todays up and coming authors...
Buy it, read it, bury it, it will come back to you in your dreams.
THE REMEMBERING COUNTRY by Kevin Filan: One of the best writers you've never heard of. This tale is bizarre...
BLACK BOX by Eric Stark: ...a superbly creepy story...really shines...
...writing reminds me a bit of Jack Ketchum and the work has the same effect. An original idea.
MOMMA'S SHADOW by Mark E. Deloy: ...great, creepy old school horror...
SHADOWS by D.X. Williams: ...twisted piece...
SKULL FARMERS by Matt Samet: ...nasty and seriously mental. Fans of psycho horror will foam over this one...
A SUNNY DAY TURNS DARK by Chris Perridas: ...dark humor...
THE MOTHER by jOhn lOverO: ...a unique take on vampires...
SURRENDER by Vince Churchill: ...If erotica is your thing...
WINGS WITH HOT SAUCE by Fran Friel: a touch of black humor...made me laugh outloud...
THE PUPPET SHOW by Rick J. Brown: ...apocolyptic sci-fi horror that sent chills up and down my spine. The imagery was like Gaiman meets Lovecraft meets Giger meets Dark City. Killer prose, great characterization-- a frighteningly brilliant piece...
Buy It Here
Butcher Shop Quartet Volume I
(A collection of four novella-length tales. ~~CC)
Customer Reviews:
The Last of Boca Verde by Boyd E. Harris kicks off the Quartet by plunging the reader into the darkest jungles of Central America. It's obvious that Harris knows the region; his descriptive prose had me coughing from imagined forest fire smoke, jumpy from numerous creepy-crawlies, perspiring from imagined humidity, fatigued from the exhaustive horseback climb seven thousand feet up into the cloud forest itself. Then came the Congo Negro...
The House on the Hill by Australian author Clinton Green is a classic Greek tragedy about two men whose lives are forever changed after spending the night in a haunted house... young men's dreams of adventure and glory in battle turn into nightmares as they're exposed to the harsh realities of war. The twist at the end is just icing on the cake.
The Reconstruction of Kasper Clark by English author Michael Stone is a delightful romp through Hell, portrayed as a clinic specializing in plastic surgery... Stone teases, twists and tantalizes the reader from the first page to the last...
The Darkling Child by A.T. Andreas... ancient wisdom ignored at a heavy cost, weakness of the flesh, and self-betrayal... The author leads and misleads the reader through increasingly intricate interactions between personified Good and Evil... a twisted intimate dance of light and dark which redefines Faith and Providence.
Buy It Here
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Clara Chandler Takes On The Night
Are you afraid at night? You should be. Dread of nighttime (in the extreme, noctiphobia) is one of the first learned fears most children develop. Catholics even have a hermit patron saint, St. Giles, who protects against the fear of the night.
Early man knew danger – even death itself – ruled the land once his warm, life-sustaining sun slipped below the horizon. Strange nocturnal creatures with huge eyes appeared and roamed the earth foraging for food. Large, predatory animals hunted weaker beings at night. In the night sky, distant pairs of bright eyes belonging to – who, or what -- opened and waited to claim an overconfident youth or unwatched child who wandered away from the minimal safety of the rocky shelter. Eerie mists clung to low lying areas, moving along the ground as if alive. Daylight hours were safer; nighttime was often inexplicable. 
Human earthlings learned to use fire, and new anxieties about nighttime were spawned. The light blazed then dimmed, only to flare again. Inky shadows retreated and encroached. Huge distorted, caliginous creatures danced inside the cave, surrounding the people and teasing the light with their dark tauntings. They danced, shifting and surging forward as the fire died down, threatening to swallow the unsuspecting – reminding man that darkness, danger, and death rule the night.
Long hours spent watching Light and Darkness fight their never-ending battles provided opportunities for men to compare notes with others regarding his knowledge of the night and its denizens. We understand according to our abilities. Man was incapable of understanding why nocturnal animals have proportionally larger eyes than humans do, or why their eyes seemed to glow. He didn't know these creatures were designed with a tapetum, a mirror-like membrane which reflects light that has already passed through the retina back through the retina a second time, providing the light source with another opportunity to strike the light-sensitive rods (photosensitive cells of the eye). Man did understand he was more vulnerable at night than during the day. Marauders often attacked under cover of darkness, stealing hard-earned resources and inflicting bodily injury. These concerns remain, eons later.
Unidentifiable noises feel more threatening when filtered through the night air. We wonder, what could be out there? Dangerous animals and bandits are tangible. But what about magical, mythical and folkloric creatures such as pixies, fairies, vampires, werewolves, and ghosts – of which are believed to wander primarily at night? Nearly every culture relates stories and legends warning of nighttime dangers due to these anomalous creatures. Norse legend says that Nótt (the personification of Night) is the mother of a daughter (Earth) and a son (Day). Earth obeys her mother Nótt – at least while Mom's awake.
Today, we're not safe in our own homes, even with the doors and windows locked. Death still finds a way over the transom and visits man more often at night from the time we're born up into old age. As a former nurse who worked both pediatrics and terminal care, I know people die at any time – but by far, most people who expire** take place during the wee hours of the night. It's as though the body slows and calms at night, lowering defenses against that slippery scythe bearer, Death. (**Expire: The hospital term used when a patient dies. I know it sounds like they forgot to feed their parking meter; maybe in some esoteric way, they do)
Being Born At Night May Cause Death: A Stanford University study released in August 2005 analyzed records of more than 3.3 million babies born in California between 1992 and 1999. It suggested babies born at night had a 12-16% increase in neonatal mortality (babies who die before they reach 28 days of age), accounting for nearly 10% of all neonatal deaths in that state. Personally, I believe these statistics are a direct result of hospital birthing. The stats did not take into account at-home or birth center births. It is universally accepted that midnight shift hospital staff demonstrate increased physical and mental fatigue and often, less experienced staff are assigned to the less-desirable 11-7 schedule. Additionally, it's not unusual for obstetricians ("OB doctors"/surgeons specializing in the female reproductive system) to have worked through a complete daytime shift. Historically, no wisdom from our ancestors suggests that babies born at night are more likely to die during the first month of life than were babies born during daytime.Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (abbreviated SIDS, and also known as crib death): A healthy infant is put to bed and later found dead for no apparent reason. Although medical research continues to pose a number of theories, a definitive answer remains elusive. My research through the past twenty years suggests that infants who sleep in their parents' beds almost never fall victim to SIDS, the one exception being if the parents are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Infants have been known to die of suffocation when an impaired parent rolls over. To my knowledge, death has never been proven to occur with an unaffected parent.
Stroke: A stroke is the sudden death of cells in part of the brain, caused by reduced flow of blood to the brain. More than half a million people in the U.S. experience a stroke every year. Stroke is the third leading cause of death, and the number one cause of disability in this country. Cerebral thrombosis is a form of stroke that occurs when a blood clot forms within the brain. Cerebral thromboses occur more often at night, or very early in the morning.
Asthma: 53% of asthma deaths occur during nighttime hours, most particularly the four hours prior to sunrise.
Obstructive Sleep Apnea: Generally, most cardiac patients expire during daylight hours. However, a study in Minnesota conducted from 1987 to 2003 (directed by Virend Somers, M.D.,PhD, a Mayo Clinic cardiologist) revealed that 54% of the patients with obstructive sleep apnea who died suddenly of cardiac causes, died between 10p.m. and 6a.m.
And now Danylo Burdenko claims "The New Black Death," ær sepsis noctus (dark air found within the upper atmosphere), is the leading cause of death in the human species. He further asserts that "at certain times of the year, at certain latitudes, 100% of human mortality occurs during night's darkness." Burdenko examined death certificates of 20 million people from 18 countries who died between 1900 and 2000. Read the paper for more information (http://thescienctist.org/papers/20030715.pdf. I could find no other Internet reference about ær sepsis noctus).
According to Wikipedia, on average nights are shorter than days -- only a few ticks of the clock shorter, but when your heart beats like a jackhammer inside your chest and flop sweat trickles down your back, every second matters. So dig out your St. Giles medal; The Horror Library's Fresh Meat for July is finally rotting on the slab and the Slushpile is still smoldering. What are you waiting for? When you get there, tell 'em Clara sent ya.
© 2006 Clara Chandler - All Rights Reserved
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Kevin Smith, Mooby, Clerks 2, & MySpace
Just spent a fascinating two minutes watching DirectorKevin Smith's Mooby Clerks 2 MySpace reach 10,000 friends.
As you probably know, Smith offered to incldue the first 10,000 friends registered on his MySpace site in the credits of his new movie, Clerks 2.
Some idiot set up a fake site, drawing off hundreds of fans earlier in the day. I even fell for it for about five minutes until I did a search and found the real Kevin Smith page, and quickly changed friends.
I made it! Clara Chandler will appear in the Clerks 2 credits! How fun!
Out of curiosity, I checked Kevin's profile at 10:59 tonight to see how many friends he'd gained. 9769. Wow. That's damned near 10,000; bet it'll sky-rocket now. I refreshed the page. 9944 at 11:00 straight up.
I waited fifteen seconds. At 11:00:15, the number had jumped to 9970. Better not wait till 110:01, I thought. I held my breath and refreshed at 11:00:30. Just fifteen seconds... and the numbers had soared to 9987!! I refreshed five seconds later and saw Kevin Smith had gained 11 more friends. His friends list stood at 9998 at 11:01:35.
Knowing there was no way I'd catch it at 10,000 even now, even if I immediately refreshed (which I did), I smiled knowing that 10,000 folks will be watching Clerks 2, squinting and yelling out "There's my name, dude!!"
11:01:45, and Kevin Smith's Mooby Clerks 2 Friends List stood at 10,007. That's beautiful, man.
As you probably know, Smith offered to incldue the first 10,000 friends registered on his MySpace site in the credits of his new movie, Clerks 2.
Some idiot set up a fake site, drawing off hundreds of fans earlier in the day. I even fell for it for about five minutes until I did a search and found the real Kevin Smith page, and quickly changed friends.
I made it! Clara Chandler will appear in the Clerks 2 credits! How fun!
Out of curiosity, I checked Kevin's profile at 10:59 tonight to see how many friends he'd gained. 9769. Wow. That's damned near 10,000; bet it'll sky-rocket now. I refreshed the page. 9944 at 11:00 straight up.
I waited fifteen seconds. At 11:00:15, the number had jumped to 9970. Better not wait till 110:01, I thought. I held my breath and refreshed at 11:00:30. Just fifteen seconds... and the numbers had soared to 9987!! I refreshed five seconds later and saw Kevin Smith had gained 11 more friends. His friends list stood at 9998 at 11:01:35.
Knowing there was no way I'd catch it at 10,000 even now, even if I immediately refreshed (which I did), I smiled knowing that 10,000 folks will be watching Clerks 2, squinting and yelling out "There's my name, dude!!"
11:01:45, and Kevin Smith's Mooby Clerks 2 Friends List stood at 10,007. That's beautiful, man.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Exciting News From Cutting Block Press!
I'm thrilled to announce the availability of two excellent horror anthologies. The Horror Library's own R.J. Cavender and Boyd E. Harris invited me to co-edit the collections. You'll read the best work of talented writers from all over the world. While you wait for the books to arrive, cut the branches away from your bedroom window. Prepare for a sleepless night. Brew a big pot of coffee and snuggle up under a cozy blanket. Have candles handy if it's a stormy night.
Go to Cutting Block Press to see whose stories are included and other details. I vouch for these collections. Any serious fan of horror and dark fiction would be proud to own these beauties! ~~Clara Chandler
P.S. I just learned that for a few days, SHIPPING WILL BE WAIVED! So grab your copy for the lowest possible price before R.J.'s generous offer ends. ~~CC
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
The Color of Death
I shrunk the picture (results) to fit my blog nicely, and in doing so made the text unreadable. Here's what it says:
Your death’s color is BLUE:
Death of the Spirit
Your heart is what makes you hold on.
You seek happiness.
You live for life itself.
Clara Chandler's Death Color is BLUE
Click to take this quiz!
Your death’s color is BLUE:
Death of the Spirit
Your heart is what makes you hold on.
You seek happiness.
You live for life itself.
Clara Chandler's Death Color is BLUE
Click to take this quiz!
Monday, April 03, 2006
Things That Make You Go Hmmm....
March 27th I took a trip down Memory Lane and visited the farm in Virginia where my mom grew up. More on that another time... But at an official Virginia Welcome Center restroom I saw this sign:
Thank God, I wasn't carrying my purse...
~~CC
Thank God, I wasn't carrying my purse...
~~CC
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Clara Chandler Takes On: Eddie Allen’s Haunted Memories
I discovered Haunted Memories portraits after clicking a link at The Horror Channel’s web site. I’m a huge fan of ancestral photographs and collect old portraits that I pick up for pennies at yard sales and at thrift stores. I’m the family’s official Keeper of the Photographs, so the first time I found Eddie Allen’s Haunted Memories site, I cruised around for over an hour.
Haunted Memories portraits metamorphose as the viewer’s point of view or perspective changes. Much more than a mere unsettling “eyes follow you” effect, Eddie Allen’s Haunted Memories really change. Some photographs change from a prim old lady to a vicious vampire; in another, an innocent little girl morphs into a wicked werewolf.
Each portrait has its own back-story. Here’s the verse for “Little Ruthie”:
Little Ruthie, so untoward
Played with Grandpa's Ouija board
Since that night I must confess
Ruthie seems a bit possessed!
Most of that first enjoyable first hour on the Haunted Memories web site was spent viewing films that demonstrate the effect of each portrait. You can’t experience the phenomenal effect Allen has achieved except by viewing the portraits’ transformation in person, but you get a simulated experience by viewing the films. I provide a link at the end of this article so you can check out the film clips and get an idea.
Truly amazed at the high quality of the products (and their amazing effect), I contacted creator and artist Eddie Allen to ask for an interview. He graciously agreed. ~~Clara Chandler
Who knew this sweet little boy would delight the world with his devilish designs?
Clara Chandler: Hi Eddie, and thank you for agreeing to this interview. First off, tell me a little about your background in horror. Surely Haunted Memories can’t be your first horror venture?
Eddie Allen: Actually, this is the first horror-related business I’ve ever had. Prior to this I was just a Halloween fanatic who always went all-out to decorate the house for the trick-or-treaters. My inspiration came more from a love of Halloween in general than from being a fan of horror films.
CC: What are your favorite monsters and scary movies?
Zombies and vampires definitely rank at the top, but I am also fascinated by ghosts and specters. I tend to prefer movies that scare you on a psychological level rather than relying on tons of gore. It doesn’t always have to be a visual that frightens the audience – just having the right sound effect at the right point can send chills down your spine!
My favorite scary movies include the aforementioned “Salem’s Lot” (1979 Version), “The Haunting” (1963 version), and a little-seen, made-for-television film called “The Woman in Black.” It came out on the BBC in 1989 and has one of the most cringe-inducing scenes you’ll ever see in a scary movie. It is a slowly-paced ghost story but if you stick with it, it has a great payoff!
CC: Present company excepted, who’s your favorite horror writer?
EA: My favorite horror author is Stephen King and my favorite horror book is (you guessed it) "Salem's Lot." It made a huge impression on me when I was a young boy.
CC: You obviously delight in the fun side of Halloween and all things scary. Tell us about Eddie Allen. How do you occupy yourself when you aren’t creating masterpieces?
EA: I manage an old one-screen movie house in Seal Beach, California. It’s called “The Bay Theatre” and it’s been there since 1947. I get to make the schedule for our Classic Film series and I try to feature horror films whenever possible. The theatre lobby features a gallery of my portraits during those screenings, just to make it a bit more creepy for our guests. (Learn more about The Bay Theater: http://www.baytheatre.com/table_page.htm)
CC: Although I love antique photographs, I think most people feel a little creeped out by them. Who is “Granny Glick” and how did she inspire Haunted Memories portraits?
EA: “Granny Glick” is the first changing portrait I designed. Her name is a tribute to Stephen King’s “Salem’s Lot,” which featured a boy named Danny Glick who later became a vampire. I gave her the same kind of glowing yellow eyes and curved incisors that the vampires had in the original “Salem’s Lot” mini-series from 1979. That show scared the hell out of me for years!
CC: Whose portrait was your very first Haunted Memories sale? Do you remember who purchased it?
EA: I offered my first two portraits for sale on eBay simultaneously. They were “Granny Glick” and “Grandpa Esbat.” Two different customers won them and they are both going to receive a nice gift in the coming weeks.
CC: Describe for my readers how the portraits “behave”?
EA: The portraits change depending on your perspective. For example, if you stand still, they do not change at all. But when you walk past them, either left to right or right to left, you will see them transform into hideous creatures of the night or macabre apparitions! It is a truly amazing effect which must be seen in person to be truly appreciated (or un-appreciated if you weren't expecting it!) No batteries, electricity, or special lighting is required.
CC: As compelling as your artwork is, I have to admit the verses are what kept me exploring your site my very first visit. How did you come up with the clever back-stories for each of your creations? (And if you don’t already, you should definitely attach a copy of the poem to each portrait).
EA: Thanks for the compliment! You’re absolutely right about including the verses with each character. I will do that at some point, but I guess for now keeping them on-line will provide incentive for people to continue visiting the website.
From an early age my father instilled in me a love of the English language. My mother was a poet, as was my grandfather. In college I majored in English with an emphasis on Creative Writing. I guess it finally came in handy! For this project, I suppose I was most inspired by Edward Gorey’s “The Gashlycrumb Tinies” – a macabre book of verses and illustrations which cleverly depict the impending deaths of 26 children – each one named for a letter of the alphabet. If you like my back stories, you’ll love that book!
CC: How many different portraits are currently available?
EA: There are currently 33 different character portraits available for purchase. I just re-released “Cousin Claudia,” who turns into a cat creature. She was available for about a month in early 2004, but I wanted to work on her a bit more. Now I am happier with the way she looks, so she’s back on the site.
CC: Do your customers tend to prefer certain types of monsters over others? I find the skeleton portraits especially compelling.
EA: It’s always different, but I know that the child characters always get a strong reaction - one way or another! I tend to like the kids because they are supposed to represent “innocence” and thus it is even more creepy when they turn monstrous.
CC: Do you normally gravitate toward creating one type of creature over the others, or do particular portraits lend themselves more naturally to, for instance, vampires over werewolves?
EA: I am partial to vampires simply because they were my first real fear as a young boy. Zombies are also extremely disturbing to me. I tend to like monsters that are still clearly humanoid with their human facial features still visible, as I think they are much scarier that way.
CC: I know you love the whole “family,” but between you and me, who are your favorites?
EA: It’s hard to choose one because they are all my “babies,” but I am especially proud of “Uncle Harry” (the man who gets an axe embedded in his noggin). He is my most recent portrait and I think he turned out very well – for a corpse! I also had a lot of fun changing Da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” into a vampire. I enjoyed making her hands more “veiny” and bony, as well as turning the background into a creepy moonlit nightscape. You can almost feel the chill night air when you look at it!
CC: I’ll bet Haunted Memories portraits hang in some interesting venues. What are some places where your art is displayed?
EA: Well, I’ve lost track of how many haunted house mazes have my work, but my portraits are featured in Hollywood’s exclusive magician’s club, “The Magic Castle.” They are also featured in “Jekyll and Hyde” – a spooky-themed restaurant in New York.
CC: As far as you know, where’s the farthest away a Haunted Memories portrait hangs?
EA: In addition to being scattered all over the U.S.A., my “Haunted Memories” hang in Sweden, Japan, England, and the Ukraine. I’m sure there are other places, but I can’t remember them all.
CC: Are all your Haunted Memories portraits sepia or black-and-white, or have you created any full-color masterpieces? Do you have plans to produce color portraits?
EA: I have two color portraits available. There is an evil clown painting called “Terrible Timmy” and there is my scary version of the Mona Lisa titled “The Da Vinci Corpse.” I have also done one full-color photo based image, but that was for a private custom job. I do hope to do more with color painting-based images in the future.
CC: Where can folks purchase your work?
EA: You can purchase my work on-line at www.hauntedmemories.com and I also offer them on eBay from time-to-time.
CC: Do you offer package deals of entire families or multi-generational collections?
EA: I have not done so as yet, but that is a good idea! Aunt Polly, Uncle Percy, and Little Thomas all go together as husband, wife, and son, but the collection is really one large family – the Esbat clan.
CC: I read on your site that you no longer offer frames. Do you endorse or recommend a particular company that creates/provides antique-looking frames to compliment your artwork?
EA: I usually get my frames at Aaron Brothers, a California-based store. I think Michael’s is nationwide and they have some good frames, as well. There is another place called www.americanframe.com. I heard that they have some good deals on antique-style frames.
CC: Do you take your art “on the road?” Can folks go to, say, a horror convention or similar-themed show and see your work in person? (I can’t imagine you showing up to a convention and having to take anything back home!)
EA: I try to do several conventions each year. My next one is the World Horror Convention in San Francisco, which runs from Thursday May 11th through Sunday May 14th, 2006. I will also be displaying my work at the Fangoria Weekend of Horrors convention in Burbank on June 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. There is also the huge Comicon event in San Diego July 20th through 23rd, 2006.
CC: Are there other devious products cooking up in that fertile brain of yours? What’s on the horizon for 2006?
EA: I have recently released 10 of my characters as 5x7 collector’s cards and I am very pleased with how they turned out. They were produced on a very fine lens that preserves all of the spooky details and they look just great! I sell them for $14.99 each and for a limited time I will offer a special discount for those who purchase the entire set.
CC: Eddie, thank you for your cooperation. I think you create terrific art and it’s been a pleasure picking your brain. I look forward to “meeting” your latest relatives!
EA: I want to thank “The Horror Library” for interviewing me. I hope it has been interesting and informative. I know I enjoyed it immensely!
Clara Chandler: Oh, one final question… if Cthulhu exists, what would you say to him when he reawakens?
Eddie Allen: "You're much better looking in person!”
Eddie Allen’s Haunted Memories Site: http://www.hauntedmemories.com
Other Links:
The Bay Theater: http://www.baytheatre.com/table_page.htm
Jekyll and Hyde’s Club & Pub: http://www.jekyllandhydeclub.com/home.htm
© 2006 Clara Chandler - All Rights Reserved
Haunted Memories portraits metamorphose as the viewer’s point of view or perspective changes. Much more than a mere unsettling “eyes follow you” effect, Eddie Allen’s Haunted Memories really change. Some photographs change from a prim old lady to a vicious vampire; in another, an innocent little girl morphs into a wicked werewolf.
Each portrait has its own back-story. Here’s the verse for “Little Ruthie”:
Little Ruthie, so untoward
Played with Grandpa's Ouija board
Since that night I must confess
Ruthie seems a bit possessed!
Most of that first enjoyable first hour on the Haunted Memories web site was spent viewing films that demonstrate the effect of each portrait. You can’t experience the phenomenal effect Allen has achieved except by viewing the portraits’ transformation in person, but you get a simulated experience by viewing the films. I provide a link at the end of this article so you can check out the film clips and get an idea.
Truly amazed at the high quality of the products (and their amazing effect), I contacted creator and artist Eddie Allen to ask for an interview. He graciously agreed. ~~Clara Chandler
Who knew this sweet little boy would delight the world with his devilish designs?Clara Chandler: Hi Eddie, and thank you for agreeing to this interview. First off, tell me a little about your background in horror. Surely Haunted Memories can’t be your first horror venture?
Eddie Allen: Actually, this is the first horror-related business I’ve ever had. Prior to this I was just a Halloween fanatic who always went all-out to decorate the house for the trick-or-treaters. My inspiration came more from a love of Halloween in general than from being a fan of horror films.
CC: What are your favorite monsters and scary movies?
Zombies and vampires definitely rank at the top, but I am also fascinated by ghosts and specters. I tend to prefer movies that scare you on a psychological level rather than relying on tons of gore. It doesn’t always have to be a visual that frightens the audience – just having the right sound effect at the right point can send chills down your spine!
My favorite scary movies include the aforementioned “Salem’s Lot” (1979 Version), “The Haunting” (1963 version), and a little-seen, made-for-television film called “The Woman in Black.” It came out on the BBC in 1989 and has one of the most cringe-inducing scenes you’ll ever see in a scary movie. It is a slowly-paced ghost story but if you stick with it, it has a great payoff!CC: Present company excepted, who’s your favorite horror writer?
EA: My favorite horror author is Stephen King and my favorite horror book is (you guessed it) "Salem's Lot." It made a huge impression on me when I was a young boy.
CC: You obviously delight in the fun side of Halloween and all things scary. Tell us about Eddie Allen. How do you occupy yourself when you aren’t creating masterpieces?
EA: I manage an old one-screen movie house in Seal Beach, California. It’s called “The Bay Theatre” and it’s been there since 1947. I get to make the schedule for our Classic Film series and I try to feature horror films whenever possible. The theatre lobby features a gallery of my portraits during those screenings, just to make it a bit more creepy for our guests. (Learn more about The Bay Theater: http://www.baytheatre.com/table_page.htm)CC: Although I love antique photographs, I think most people feel a little creeped out by them. Who is “Granny Glick” and how did she inspire Haunted Memories portraits?
EA: “Granny Glick” is the first changing portrait I designed. Her name is a tribute to Stephen King’s “Salem’s Lot,” which featured a boy named Danny Glick who later became a vampire. I gave her the same kind of glowing yellow eyes and curved incisors that the vampires had in the original “Salem’s Lot” mini-series from 1979. That show scared the hell out of me for years!
CC: Whose portrait was your very first Haunted Memories sale? Do you remember who purchased it?
EA: I offered my first two portraits for sale on eBay simultaneously. They were “Granny Glick” and “Grandpa Esbat.” Two different customers won them and they are both going to receive a nice gift in the coming weeks.
CC: Describe for my readers how the portraits “behave”?
EA: The portraits change depending on your perspective. For example, if you stand still, they do not change at all. But when you walk past them, either left to right or right to left, you will see them transform into hideous creatures of the night or macabre apparitions! It is a truly amazing effect which must be seen in person to be truly appreciated (or un-appreciated if you weren't expecting it!) No batteries, electricity, or special lighting is required.
CC: As compelling as your artwork is, I have to admit the verses are what kept me exploring your site my very first visit. How did you come up with the clever back-stories for each of your creations? (And if you don’t already, you should definitely attach a copy of the poem to each portrait).
EA: Thanks for the compliment! You’re absolutely right about including the verses with each character. I will do that at some point, but I guess for now keeping them on-line will provide incentive for people to continue visiting the website.
From an early age my father instilled in me a love of the English language. My mother was a poet, as was my grandfather. In college I majored in English with an emphasis on Creative Writing. I guess it finally came in handy! For this project, I suppose I was most inspired by Edward Gorey’s “The Gashlycrumb Tinies” – a macabre book of verses and illustrations which cleverly depict the impending deaths of 26 children – each one named for a letter of the alphabet. If you like my back stories, you’ll love that book!CC: How many different portraits are currently available?
EA: There are currently 33 different character portraits available for purchase. I just re-released “Cousin Claudia,” who turns into a cat creature. She was available for about a month in early 2004, but I wanted to work on her a bit more. Now I am happier with the way she looks, so she’s back on the site.
CC: Do your customers tend to prefer certain types of monsters over others? I find the skeleton portraits especially compelling.
EA: It’s always different, but I know that the child characters always get a strong reaction - one way or another! I tend to like the kids because they are supposed to represent “innocence” and thus it is even more creepy when they turn monstrous.
CC: Do you normally gravitate toward creating one type of creature over the others, or do particular portraits lend themselves more naturally to, for instance, vampires over werewolves?
EA: I am partial to vampires simply because they were my first real fear as a young boy. Zombies are also extremely disturbing to me. I tend to like monsters that are still clearly humanoid with their human facial features still visible, as I think they are much scarier that way.
CC: I know you love the whole “family,” but between you and me, who are your favorites?
EA: It’s hard to choose one because they are all my “babies,” but I am especially proud of “Uncle Harry” (the man who gets an axe embedded in his noggin). He is my most recent portrait and I think he turned out very well – for a corpse! I also had a lot of fun changing Da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” into a vampire. I enjoyed making her hands more “veiny” and bony, as well as turning the background into a creepy moonlit nightscape. You can almost feel the chill night air when you look at it!
CC: I’ll bet Haunted Memories portraits hang in some interesting venues. What are some places where your art is displayed?
EA: Well, I’ve lost track of how many haunted house mazes have my work, but my portraits are featured in Hollywood’s exclusive magician’s club, “The Magic Castle.” They are also featured in “Jekyll and Hyde” – a spooky-themed restaurant in New York.CC: As far as you know, where’s the farthest away a Haunted Memories portrait hangs?
EA: In addition to being scattered all over the U.S.A., my “Haunted Memories” hang in Sweden, Japan, England, and the Ukraine. I’m sure there are other places, but I can’t remember them all.CC: Are all your Haunted Memories portraits sepia or black-and-white, or have you created any full-color masterpieces? Do you have plans to produce color portraits?
EA: I have two color portraits available. There is an evil clown painting called “Terrible Timmy” and there is my scary version of the Mona Lisa titled “The Da Vinci Corpse.” I have also done one full-color photo based image, but that was for a private custom job. I do hope to do more with color painting-based images in the future.
CC: Where can folks purchase your work?
EA: You can purchase my work on-line at www.hauntedmemories.com and I also offer them on eBay from time-to-time.
CC: Do you offer package deals of entire families or multi-generational collections?
EA: I have not done so as yet, but that is a good idea! Aunt Polly, Uncle Percy, and Little Thomas all go together as husband, wife, and son, but the collection is really one large family – the Esbat clan.
CC: I read on your site that you no longer offer frames. Do you endorse or recommend a particular company that creates/provides antique-looking frames to compliment your artwork?
EA: I usually get my frames at Aaron Brothers, a California-based store. I think Michael’s is nationwide and they have some good frames, as well. There is another place called www.americanframe.com. I heard that they have some good deals on antique-style frames.
CC: Do you take your art “on the road?” Can folks go to, say, a horror convention or similar-themed show and see your work in person? (I can’t imagine you showing up to a convention and having to take anything back home!)
EA: I try to do several conventions each year. My next one is the World Horror Convention in San Francisco, which runs from Thursday May 11th through Sunday May 14th, 2006. I will also be displaying my work at the Fangoria Weekend of Horrors convention in Burbank on June 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. There is also the huge Comicon event in San Diego July 20th through 23rd, 2006.
CC: Are there other devious products cooking up in that fertile brain of yours? What’s on the horizon for 2006?
EA: I have recently released 10 of my characters as 5x7 collector’s cards and I am very pleased with how they turned out. They were produced on a very fine lens that preserves all of the spooky details and they look just great! I sell them for $14.99 each and for a limited time I will offer a special discount for those who purchase the entire set.
CC: Eddie, thank you for your cooperation. I think you create terrific art and it’s been a pleasure picking your brain. I look forward to “meeting” your latest relatives!
EA: I want to thank “The Horror Library” for interviewing me. I hope it has been interesting and informative. I know I enjoyed it immensely!
Clara Chandler: Oh, one final question… if Cthulhu exists, what would you say to him when he reawakens?
Eddie Allen: "You're much better looking in person!”
Eddie Allen’s Haunted Memories Site: http://www.hauntedmemories.com
Other Links:
The Bay Theater: http://www.baytheatre.com/table_page.htm
Jekyll and Hyde’s Club & Pub: http://www.jekyllandhydeclub.com/home.htm
© 2006 Clara Chandler - All Rights Reserved
Which Tarot Card Are YOU?
I Am
Which tarot card are you?
THE HANGED MAN
Suspended decision. Initiation, divination, prophecy. Turning point in psychic powers. Trust in inner voice.
Suspension, change, reversal, boredom, abandonment, sacrifice, readjustment, improvement, rebirth
He usually represents a time of feeling in limbo, being stuck or being prevented from moving forward. He's usually depicted hanging upside down with his hands tied - that's just what it feels like! We need to remain flexible and willing to let go of things, it's probably a time for sacrifice. Like the man in this card from the Murciano Tarot, don't sweat it, take some time out and be patient.
The Hanged Man
External Meaning: Spiritual awareness and the happiness and assuredness it brings. Sacrificing for a noble purpose. Reversal of one's current way of life. Inner peace. Developed intuition and prophecy.
Esoteric Meaning: The spirit of the mighty waters. Reversing false images. Sacrifice.
Energys: Water
Which tarot card are you?
THE HANGED MAN
Suspended decision. Initiation, divination, prophecy. Turning point in psychic powers. Trust in inner voice.
Suspension, change, reversal, boredom, abandonment, sacrifice, readjustment, improvement, rebirth
He usually represents a time of feeling in limbo, being stuck or being prevented from moving forward. He's usually depicted hanging upside down with his hands tied - that's just what it feels like! We need to remain flexible and willing to let go of things, it's probably a time for sacrifice. Like the man in this card from the Murciano Tarot, don't sweat it, take some time out and be patient.
The Hanged Man
External Meaning: Spiritual awareness and the happiness and assuredness it brings. Sacrificing for a noble purpose. Reversal of one's current way of life. Inner peace. Developed intuition and prophecy.
Esoteric Meaning: The spirit of the mighty waters. Reversing false images. Sacrifice.
Energys: Water
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Clara Chandler Takes On: Monsturd
Title: Monsturd
Tagline: Don’t get caught with your pants down!
Genre: Horror/Comedy/Spoof
Written & directed by: Rick Popko & Dan West
Production company: 4321 Productions
Distributed by: Elite Entertainment
Runtime: 81 minutes
Rated: R
First, let me say that I’m not a movie reviewer although I played one on the Internet, um, just now... I had to give it a shot after viewing Monsturd at the Revenge of The Midnight Movies on The Horror Channel.
This past Friday night I had the pleasure to chat with co-writer and co-director Rick Popko during a free viewing of his 2003 debut film “Monsturd.” I admit I was dubious whether I wanted to watch it. How could a movie about a mass of killer fecal matter be fun? I took a deep breath and gave it a chance.
I’m glad I did.
I even watched it twice…
Monsturd is a spoofy, “Twin Peaks”-y cult classic kind of film. It’s horror-comedy. If you despise scatological humor, you won’t enjoy Monsturd. It is politically incorrect and has no redeeming social value. It’s gross but not as gross as – well, actually it’s pretty gross, but the humor more than outweighs the disgust factor. Think of it as “Jack Frost” meets “South Park.” If you giggle at fart jokes (whether you admit it or not) and enjoy puns -- you’ll give it two thumbs up. I laughed so hard that by the end, tears dripped off my chin.
The Story
Serial killer Jack Schmidt (see, the puns roll in from the beginning and never stop) falls into a batch of evil Dr. Stern’s super-duper flesh-eating bacteria. Jack and the bacteria combine and mutate into Monsturd, a seven-foot-tall killer poop-man who stalks the townfolk. The action takes place in fictional Butte County, California, where the annual chili cook-off – “a really big blow-out” – is scheduled to take place in two days!
Details
Written and directed by Rick Popko and Dan West, “Monsturd” was shot on miniDV using a CanonGL-1 camcorder and has a very nice film-like quality. I was amazed to learn Rick and Dan made this movie on a $3,000 budget. Blockbuster liked it so well they purchased 4,000 copies! The score and visuals are excellent. The soundtrack is first-rate and the original song written for the movie (which plays at the end as the credits roll) is clever as hell. (Note: Theme songs for Monsturd and its sequel RetarDead are available in MP3 format to download and share with your friends. Link.
Trivia
Monsturd (itself) was created out of foam insulation. The original song "Number 2 -- The Ballad of the Monsturd" was written by Kip Phillips, Dan West, Rick Popko, and Lisa Rein; and performed by Kip Phillips and Lisa Rein. Rick Popko plays Deputy Rick and Dan West plays Deputy Dan. In a nod to a favorite, there’s a character named Johnny Waters.
Some of my favorite dialogue (at least the ones I am willing to quote):
I won’t spoil the ending because it is priceless; the writers are totally cracked. I will tell you the hapless Butte County sheriff’s deputies and intrepid FBI agent confront Monsturd with riot gear and weapons funnier than Ghostbusters ever dreamed of!
“This is the thriller that does for toilets what Psycho did for showers. Come along if you dare. Just don't get caught with your pants down!”
Tell your spouse you’re buying it for your thirteen-year-old nephew if you must, but buy this movie! It’s a steal at $9.98. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it becomes a collector’s item ten years from now.
Check out the production company’s web site at www.4321Films.com to view a trailer, read more about “Monsturd,” and check out 4321Films’ second flick RetarDead (tagline: “They’re not so special any more”). You haven’t seen the last of Rick Popko and Dan West.
© 2006 Clara Chandler
Tagline: Don’t get caught with your pants down!
Genre: Horror/Comedy/Spoof
Written & directed by: Rick Popko & Dan West
Production company: 4321 Productions
Distributed by: Elite Entertainment
Runtime: 81 minutes
Rated: R
First, let me say that I’m not a movie reviewer although I played one on the Internet, um, just now... I had to give it a shot after viewing Monsturd at the Revenge of The Midnight Movies on The Horror Channel.This past Friday night I had the pleasure to chat with co-writer and co-director Rick Popko during a free viewing of his 2003 debut film “Monsturd.” I admit I was dubious whether I wanted to watch it. How could a movie about a mass of killer fecal matter be fun? I took a deep breath and gave it a chance.
I’m glad I did.
I even watched it twice…
Monsturd is a spoofy, “Twin Peaks”-y cult classic kind of film. It’s horror-comedy. If you despise scatological humor, you won’t enjoy Monsturd. It is politically incorrect and has no redeeming social value. It’s gross but not as gross as – well, actually it’s pretty gross, but the humor more than outweighs the disgust factor. Think of it as “Jack Frost” meets “South Park.” If you giggle at fart jokes (whether you admit it or not) and enjoy puns -- you’ll give it two thumbs up. I laughed so hard that by the end, tears dripped off my chin. The Story
Serial killer Jack Schmidt (see, the puns roll in from the beginning and never stop) falls into a batch of evil Dr. Stern’s super-duper flesh-eating bacteria. Jack and the bacteria combine and mutate into Monsturd, a seven-foot-tall killer poop-man who stalks the townfolk. The action takes place in fictional Butte County, California, where the annual chili cook-off – “a really big blow-out” – is scheduled to take place in two days!
Details
Written and directed by Rick Popko and Dan West, “Monsturd” was shot on miniDV using a CanonGL-1 camcorder and has a very nice film-like quality. I was amazed to learn Rick and Dan made this movie on a $3,000 budget. Blockbuster liked it so well they purchased 4,000 copies! The score and visuals are excellent. The soundtrack is first-rate and the original song written for the movie (which plays at the end as the credits roll) is clever as hell. (Note: Theme songs for Monsturd and its sequel RetarDead are available in MP3 format to download and share with your friends. Link.
Trivia
Monsturd (itself) was created out of foam insulation. The original song "Number 2 -- The Ballad of the Monsturd" was written by Kip Phillips, Dan West, Rick Popko, and Lisa Rein; and performed by Kip Phillips and Lisa Rein. Rick Popko plays Deputy Rick and Dan West plays Deputy Dan. In a nod to a favorite, there’s a character named Johnny Waters.Some of my favorite dialogue (at least the ones I am willing to quote):
- “Daddy, don’t go. The number two will get you!”
- “A giant #2 killed my daddy!”
- Police sketch artist asks eye witness to describe the monster: “Did it look something like… THIS?”
- Sketch artist: “Any other distinguishing marks?”
- How can a turd kill someone?
- ”We don’t even know if bullets will be able to stop this thing…”
I won’t spoil the ending because it is priceless; the writers are totally cracked. I will tell you the hapless Butte County sheriff’s deputies and intrepid FBI agent confront Monsturd with riot gear and weapons funnier than Ghostbusters ever dreamed of!
“This is the thriller that does for toilets what Psycho did for showers. Come along if you dare. Just don't get caught with your pants down!”
Tell your spouse you’re buying it for your thirteen-year-old nephew if you must, but buy this movie! It’s a steal at $9.98. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it becomes a collector’s item ten years from now.
Check out the production company’s web site at www.4321Films.com to view a trailer, read more about “Monsturd,” and check out 4321Films’ second flick RetarDead (tagline: “They’re not so special any more”). You haven’t seen the last of Rick Popko and Dan West.
© 2006 Clara Chandler
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Clara Chandler Takes On: Leprechaun Infestation
Here's something just for fun in honor of St. Patrick's Day. ~~CC
A year ago I discovered a rotten banana in the cat food container. The children threw up their hands.
“We don’t know how it got there, Mom.”
My husband scratched his head. “Sure beats me.”
The cats lack opposable thumbs so I knew they were innocent. At the time I figured the banana was due to gorillas in our midst, planning to take over the world. For a year I felt safe as long as I didn’t spot long hairy arms or spy large primates swinging from tree to tree.
Then something happened to shatter my false sense of security.
While gathering outdated magazines, newspapers, and other objects to be tossed, I came across a long brown paper bag, the kind used to cover an elongated bottle of spirits. Since we don’t imbibe, my curiosity was piqued. I peered inside and found a receipt dated five months previous. Stranger still, it came from the WSLCB store on NE 78th Way in Vancouver, Washington. The receipt further states “Terri thanks you.”
It’s slight less than 2,500 miles from my house to Seattle so this paper bag didn’t just waft in on the autumn breeze and land in my living room. Of course, no one in the family knows anything about the bag or the receipt. It’s doubtful any of them traveled 5,000 miles roundtrip to purchase a fifth of whiskey given all the liquor stores in close proximity to our house. I can’t see anyone in my family falling off the teetotaler wagon and making the leap to Irish whiskey right out of the chute.
Now I fear a leprechaun is behind this mysterious receipt.
It makes sense. We all know leprechauns hide pots of gold at the end of rainbows, and they have an affinity for Irish whiskey. Legend says if a person is lucky enough to see and then capture a wee, six-inch-tall leprechaun – a Herculean task in itself – the small creature is beholden to grant a wish, up to and including revealing where his gold is hidden. A little-known secret is that he may buy you off with a gold piece to release him. As soon as he’s free, your coin will turn to dust. How tricky leprechauns are!
To further complicate matters, the species is split into two distinct groups, the leprechaun and the cluricaun. Leprechauns are shoemakers and guardians of ancient treasure. Cluricauns are for lack of a kinder word, thieves. They will steal or borrow nearly anything under cover of darkness. One source I checked said they raid wine cellars and larders. I wonder if a cluricaun went to the liquor store in Vancouver and gave Terri a magic gold piece for the fifth of whiskey, knowing all the while the coin would turn to dust as soon as he left? Even worse, these leprechaun cousins sometimes harness domestic animals and ride them throughout the countryside at night. 
Makes me wonder if perhaps our poor hamster Henry’s untimely death resulted from one too many midnight joy rides beneath a cluricaun.
This could explain several family mysteries. We could blame Henry’s death on the cluricaun(s). The reason we can’t find our keys? A cluricaun took them. The disappearance of the children’s homework, pencils, odd socks, and even that one pair of tennis shoes are all understandable once we realize evil leprechaun cousins exist. Same with the pizza box discovered under the living room chair last year and the chicken bones I found behind the sofa.
I feel a bit guilty blaming everything on the cluricaun and I still have my doubts. But what better explanation than that a cluricaun traveled 2,500 miles lugging a fifth of Irish whiskey so he could wreak havoc in my home?
Sure explains all the blarney around here.
© 2006 Clara Chandler - All Rights Reserved
A year ago I discovered a rotten banana in the cat food container. The children threw up their hands. “We don’t know how it got there, Mom.”
My husband scratched his head. “Sure beats me.”
The cats lack opposable thumbs so I knew they were innocent. At the time I figured the banana was due to gorillas in our midst, planning to take over the world. For a year I felt safe as long as I didn’t spot long hairy arms or spy large primates swinging from tree to tree. Then something happened to shatter my false sense of security.
While gathering outdated magazines, newspapers, and other objects to be tossed, I came across a long brown paper bag, the kind used to cover an elongated bottle of spirits. Since we don’t imbibe, my curiosity was piqued. I peered inside and found a receipt dated five months previous. Stranger still, it came from the WSLCB store on NE 78th Way in Vancouver, Washington. The receipt further states “Terri thanks you.” It’s slight less than 2,500 miles from my house to Seattle so this paper bag didn’t just waft in on the autumn breeze and land in my living room. Of course, no one in the family knows anything about the bag or the receipt. It’s doubtful any of them traveled 5,000 miles roundtrip to purchase a fifth of whiskey given all the liquor stores in close proximity to our house. I can’t see anyone in my family falling off the teetotaler wagon and making the leap to Irish whiskey right out of the chute. Now I fear a leprechaun is behind this mysterious receipt.
It makes sense. We all know leprechauns hide pots of gold at the end of rainbows, and they have an affinity for Irish whiskey. Legend says if a person is lucky enough to see and then capture a wee, six-inch-tall leprechaun – a Herculean task in itself – the small creature is beholden to grant a wish, up to and including revealing where his gold is hidden. A little-known secret is that he may buy you off with a gold piece to release him. As soon as he’s free, your coin will turn to dust. How tricky leprechauns are!To further complicate matters, the species is split into two distinct groups, the leprechaun and the cluricaun. Leprechauns are shoemakers and guardians of ancient treasure. Cluricauns are for lack of a kinder word, thieves. They will steal or borrow nearly anything under cover of darkness. One source I checked said they raid wine cellars and larders. I wonder if a cluricaun went to the liquor store in Vancouver and gave Terri a magic gold piece for the fifth of whiskey, knowing all the while the coin would turn to dust as soon as he left? Even worse, these leprechaun cousins sometimes harness domestic animals and ride them throughout the countryside at night. Makes me wonder if perhaps our poor hamster Henry’s untimely death resulted from one too many midnight joy rides beneath a cluricaun. This could explain several family mysteries. We could blame Henry’s death on the cluricaun(s). The reason we can’t find our keys? A cluricaun took them. The disappearance of the children’s homework, pencils, odd socks, and even that one pair of tennis shoes are all understandable once we realize evil leprechaun cousins exist. Same with the pizza box discovered under the living room chair last year and the chicken bones I found behind the sofa. I feel a bit guilty blaming everything on the cluricaun and I still have my doubts. But what better explanation than that a cluricaun traveled 2,500 miles lugging a fifth of Irish whiskey so he could wreak havoc in my home?
Sure explains all the blarney around here. © 2006 Clara Chandler - All Rights Reserved
Saturday, March 11, 2006
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