The Sound of Musing

What the FUCK is wrong with me? A nun posted an encouraging post on my husband's Facebook status and I felt jealousy. A nun!!! I had to go check her page to make sure she really was a nun.

I feel so insecure in our relationship. I want so much to feel intimate and connected with him. I want our conversations to be free and easy, spontaneous instead of guarded. It's like we've knitted so much potential danger and meanings into everything that we can't express ourselves without meticulously weighing every word.

Yesterday, he told me not to spend money. I told him I didn't have any to spend (agreeing with him). He got defensive and said he was just telling me we didn't have much in the bank. I told him I was just agreeing with him. He stomped out the door. Thankfully, he came right back and told me he loved me. I know we're both trying. But it's so hard.

Lonely

I am so incredibly lonely. I hate the distance between us. I try repeatedly to connect with you, and my efforts fall flat. Repeatedly. You always ask for examples, and I can never think of one. So I'll write one down and maybe I will remember it when you ask.

Yesterday, I found that BBC video about Christ and Buddhism. It was so fascinating to me, and I wanted to share it with you. Eventually, you said you already knew all that, that you learned it at UT years ago. This, without watching the video, mind you. I urged that there was so much more to the video, but you let that fall flat. Obviously, you had no intention of watching it. So I asked you, if you knew such a thing already, why didn't you ever mention it to me? Didn't you find it interesting enough to share something so profound with me? You replied "Do you know how much I have going on in my head at all times?!?!!"

Well, I have a lot going on in my head at all times, too. And yet, when I learn something interesting, my first instinct is to share it with you, my lover, my partner, the one I have chosen to share my life with.

You, on the other hand, seem to keep as much of your life away from me as you can. You make your phone calls in the car or outside ("I get better reception there"), yet you talk plenty when someone calls you and you're sitting on the couch. You can talk with A. for an hour about all sorts of topics, but if I bring something up, you sit and gawk at me silently, or at the most, grunt. No "Why do you feel that way?" or "Yes, I knew that. What do you think about that?" or "I think x about that, and this is why." You treat me like I'm stupid and uninteresting.

And I feel sad about it.